Speak to the Angel

We all know that positive reinforcement is not only effective, but a much more pleasant form of discipline (for both parent and child) than punishment.

The book “Siblings Without Rivalry” shares a great technique that I like to call “Speak to the angel”. There is a popular saying that goes, “Inside every woman is a queen- speak to the queen, and the queen will answer.”  For children, I would change the saying to this: Inside every child is an angel- speak to the angel, and the angel will answer. The idea is that if you treat someone as if they were already the way that you hope for them to be, then they will act that way.

So how do you apply this to children? Well, here’s an example of the normal way we might handle fighting kids:

A: MOM! B won’t give me the toy!

B: I had it first and she just tried to TAKE it from me!

M: Guys, calm down. Can’t you just share?

A: It’s MY turn! She’s had it for forEVER!

B: Nu-uh, I just GOT it!

M: Okay, B, you have 1 more minute to play. Then it’s A’s turn.

B: Only ONE MINUTE?!

A: UGGH! I want to play NOW!

(Can you tell I’ve heard this fight a time or two?)

Okay, now that we know that that’s not always the most effective way to do it, let’s try the “Speak to the Angel”:

A: MOM! B won’t give me the toy!

B: I had it first and she just tried to TAKE it from me!

M: Well, A, B is very kind and she is REALLY good at sharing. And you are also very kind and REALLY good at asking for things nicely. I’ll bet that if you asked very nicely B would be happy to share with you.

A: B, may I please have a turn with the toy?

B: Yes, you may. Here you go!

It is so simple, and yet works so well- I have used this technique with a great amount of success and I highly recommend it! Just speak to the angel.

A Valentines Hunt

Valentines should be more about love and fun than about commercialism and presents (haven’t we already wrecked Christmas and Easter with those??) so this year we’re going to be doing a Valentines Hunt with love notes for our kids.

It’s kind of like an easter egg hunt, but instead of hiding easter eggs we will hide love notes. We’ll choose a single color for each child, and they can search for notes that are that color, and when they find them they can put them in their basket. Each note will tell something that we love about them- maybe we’ll even let the kids write some things they love about each other!

The love notes along with some Love Coupons, a sweet treat or two and a special dinner will make our Valentines Day just right. :-)

Conquering the “Clingies"

It’s that moment we all dread- we go to drop off our little one at preschool/babysitter’s/church nursery/Sunday School and suddenly they become a leech attached to our lower extremities. There are all kinds of methods to “conquer the clingies”, but here are some things I’ve found to be successful.

1. Prepare. Talk with your child about it beforehand and discuss how the drop off will go. The more specific and positive you can be about it, the better.

2. Help them settle in. Get them engaged in a fun activity, like building with blocks, coloring, or playing with toys. This helps distract them from the fact that you’re leaving.

3. Don’t sneak away! Give your child a hug and a kiss, let them know you’re leaving but you’ll be back soon.

4. Have special “goodbye traditions” or rituals that you do with your child when it’s time for you to be apart, like a Secret Kiss, a secret handshake, or a special saying, like, “See you later, alligator!” These positive things make the transition easier. I always ask my 3-year-old to save up her “biggest hug” for me for when she leaves for her nursery class.

5. If the transition is consistently tearful, try this: do all of the above, and if they are still crying after you leave, just go outside for a minute or two, then come back in cheerfully and say, “See? I said I’d be right back. How is that block tower coming?” Then sit with them and play for a minute, but if possible, don’t allow them to sit on your lap or cling to you. Once they are calm, then do #3 & #4 again, and then step outside for another few minutes- make it a little longer this time- and then come back, again cheerfully greeting them and sitting back down to play. This reinforces the idea to the child that when you leave, you will come back, and it helps them to know that the leaving and coming back are happy, easy things. After a few days of this, they are usually ready to be on their own.

Above all, remember that all kids are different, and what works for other children might not work for yours. You know your child better than anyone else, and so how you leave them in the care of others should ultimately be your decision.

Making Studying More FUN

My son with the entire contents of his take-home folder one day- all 100 A’s! :-)

I am a total goofball (hence the name of this blog) and so I love to joke around with my kids when helping them study for tests. It makes it more fun for both of us, and I think that it also makes the information more memorable.

Recently, for example, my son had a science test he was studying for. I used his notes to quiz him, asking things like, “Okay, so the food chain- that’s what you put around your food so no one steals it, right?” “An herbivore eats herbs, a carnivore eats carnivals, and an omnivore says OMI NOMI NOMI NOM when it eats. Yes?” My son would giggle and shake his head as he said, “NO, Mom!!” Then he would explain the right answer to me.

I do similar things when quizzing him for spelling tests- I make sure that the sentences I use to give him the words are a little bit silly. In the past, I’ve even helped him learn his words by making up silly stories that use all of his spelling words, then printing them up with the words in bold. That way he can read them multiple times and get used to seeing them spelled correctly.

Remember, a little laughter goes a long way, and it can turn a chore into a cherished memory!

The Blame Game: Taking Ownership

Me dressed as a referee for Halloween with 3 of my kids. That baby in my arms turned 3 this year!

“HE started it!”

“No, SHE did!” 

“Did NOT!”

“Did TOO!"

Don’t you hate playing referee to your kids’ arguments?

I know I do, which is why I fell in love with this idea from Shawni over at 71 Toes (scroll down to the photo of the bench). She calls it the “fighting bench". Basically, when you start hearing the accusations fly, simply choose a spot in your home to be the “fighting bench" (ours is our fireplace hearth). Tell your feuding children they must sit in the designated spot and they must determine what their part of the disagreement was. They are not allowed to get up until they have told you what they did to cause the argument and apologize to the other person for their part in it.

We have used this successfully for a few months now, and not only are my children learning about taking ownership of their issues, they are also learning that when they have a disagreement, it’s better to just avoid getting mom involved, so as to avoid the “fighting bench". :-)

Looks like this referee may be ready to hang up her whistle...well, almost. ;-)

Making Amends

Does sibling rivalry make you as crazy as it makes me? Well, one way I’ve discovered (from Connected Families) to help provide an “increase of love” in our home is to provide two kinds of consequences for sibling rivalry: one consequence for the bad behavior, such as a time-out, and one act of kindness to help repair the hurt. If, for example, my 8-year-old is unkind to his little sister, he might have a time-out. After his time out is through, however, along with apologizing to his sister he must do something nice for her, or help her with something she needs, like putting lotion on her hands at bedtime.

So far this has resulted in more sincere apologies and those little acts of kindness have promoted stronger sibling relationships. Even little family members can find ways to make amends. Just this week my 3-year-old hit her big brother. After her time out and apology, I had her help him by hanging up his backpack on the hook where it belongs. She ended up wearing it in order to carry it to the hook and when he saw her he couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of her wearing his backpack- which was almost as big as she was! She started giggling as well, and any bad feelings were quickly forgotten. :-)

Time for a Dance Party!

Didn’t get a chance to squeeze a workout in today? No worries- just grab your kids and have a DANCE PARTY! Burns calories, the kids will love it, and it’s way fun.

Here’s a great song to get you started-

For an extra fun twist (no pun intended) take turns playing follow-the-leader: let each child have a turn to demonstrate their best moves while everyone else follows along- you included!

Whew! I feel the burn already!

After School One-on-One

Another school year is upon us, and from day one I felt the overwhelming After School Dread. You see,  I don’t know if all households are like this, but at my house as soon as those bus doors open, children come flying down the street, slamming open the front door, and charging in like a miniature tornado. The child-fueled F-1 is immediately followed by demands for aid. Snacks, drinks, papers shoved in my general direction, begging to attend this event or that, sign up for one activity or another- it’s enough to make anyone lose their mind, especially a mom who had, up until that point, been enjoying the peaceful bliss that occurs when her other two children are napping.

I finally decided I needed to find a solution to this school aftermath. As things were, I was getting stressed out and irritated and overwhelmed, not to mention disorganized as well. It was all just too much. I decided to try one-on-ones with my kids after school. The rule is that when the kids get in the door, I give hugs and ask general how-was-your-days, then I sit on the couch with one of them and we set the timer for 10 minutes. My kids take turns for who goes first, and whoever isn’t having a chat with me is usually in the kitchen getting a snack or starting on their homework.

My one-on-one chat usually involves me asking how their day was, if anything particularly good or bad happened, and looking over any school papers they’ve brought home. I also check to see what their homework is and make sure they understand what it is as well.

I’ve found that just touching base with each of them individually not only saves my sanity, but causes me to actually look forward to seeing them when they get home. I enjoy the little stories they tell me about their day and I appreciate the chance to really listen to how they felt about certain things. I also feel much more in control of the information they bring home and more able to process their requests. In turn, I think the kids feel like they have more of me than before, and they seem genuinely eager for that one-on-one time.

Is there a part of your day that’s more hectic than it needs to be? How can you slow things down and make it calmer?

FHE Lesson in 10 Minutes or Less!

Don’t have time to prep an FHE (Family Home Evening) lesson? Sure you do! Here’s what to do:

1. Go to the Mormon Messages page on lds.org. Find a short video with a great message. (hint: they’re all short videos with a great message!) I found this video highlighting a sweet story of compassion. You can stop here and just show the video to your family and talk about it or...

2. Go to Sugardoodle and use the alphabetical “My File Box” at the top of the page to look up more lesson helps that have to do with the topic you’ve selected- activities, entire lesson plans, object lessons, music, quotes, scriptures, games, and more! Grab some of those and you’re good to go.

Now go! Plan FHE! And you’re welcome. :-)

How to Cheer at a Little League Game

Batter swings & misses: "Great swing!"

Batter wood-chops a pitch that flew past his nose: "Way to want it!"

Batter watches, glassy-eyed, as the perfect pitch whizzes by: "Way to watch!"

Ball bounces off outfielder's glove and falls to the ground: "Nice stop!”

Outfielders run around in a confused shuffle: "Good hustle!”

(Because it’s all about having fun and building confidence!)

Thanksgiving Game

This time of year it's easy to overlook the "thankful" part of Thanksgiving and skip ahead to the turkey and pumpkin pie. If you'd like to remind your kids of the real purpose of Thanksgiving, play this fun game:

Have one person start with the letter 'A' and tell one thing they are thankful for that starts with that letter, for example, 'apples'. The next person will then say, "I am thankful for apples and bananas." (starts with 'b'). The next person will say, "I am thankful for apples, bananas, and cheese!"

Continue through the whole alphabet and see how far you can get! It's a fun challenge to not only think of something that starts with a particular letter, but to also have to remember everyone else's answers!

Last night we played this game and discovered that family members were thankful for goats, elephants, and underwear, among other things. It's a great way to add a little laughter and an attitude of gratitude to your Thanksgiving celebration! :-)

The Family Game

We were having some pretty serious issues with sibling rivalry in our home, and a general lack of love and respect between our kids, so I decided to try something new.

For Family Home Evening one night, I made up a game. I taped together two pieces of card stock paper to make a large rectangle. On the rectangle I drew a game board, much like Candy Land, with a path starting in the upper left corner winding its way down to the lower right. At the upper right corner I drew a picture of our house for the start, then at the lower right-hand corner I drew a picture of our favorite frozen yogurt shop as the finish. I divided the path up with lines, making a series of spaces leading from the start to the finish.

Next, I made a single game piece. It was a small rectangle of card stock with a simple stick figure drawing of our family on it.

I then created cards with things like, "You don't clean your room when Mom asks you to. Move back one space." Or, "You helped your little sister put on her shoes. Move forward one space." I made several of these cards.

So then for Family Home Evening I talked briefly with the kids about why it is important for us to work together as a family so our home can be a happy place. I told them that when any one of us does something that is mean or uncooperative, it hurts our whole family. To demonstrate, I had each family member take a turn choosing a card and moving the game piece. The kids were slightly chagrined to recognize several of their common misbehaviors among the statements on the cards.

After we had been through the stack of cards, I pointed out that when we do more bad than good, we don't get very far and our home is not a very happy place to be. I then told them that we would play the game for real in our house. I posted the game board on the wall, and I put some tape on the back of the game piece.

Now, whenever someone does something positive, they are allowed to move the game piece ahead. When something negative happens, they move it back. I have noticed that even when one child is wronged by another, they will find a way to make amends so that we will not have to move the game piece back. They are also going out of their way to do kind things for one another so that they get to move us ahead. Once our game piece reaches the finish, we will celebrate with a trip to our favorite frozen yogurt shop. :-)

What Should You Do?

At church my children frequently play versions of the "What Should You Do?" game. In this simple game, a child chooses a slip of paper from a jar. On the paper, a fictional scenario is described and it is up to the child to decide what should be done in that particular situation. For example,

You are playing outside when your ball accidentally rolls into your neighbor's flower bed. What should you do?

The child would respond with something like, "I would go over to my neighbor's house and tell her what happened, then ask if I can get my ball and find out if there is a way I can make up for the damage the ball did."

Like I said, it's a simple game but it gives children an opportunity to practice their moral decision-making skills. I have discovered that I can use the format of this game to help my children make good real-life decisions as well. For example, if my son takes a toy from my daughter, rather than scold him and ask him to return it, I might pull him aside and say, "'A' has a toy that 'T' wants to play with. He asks her for it but she says no. What should he do?" By putting it in that format, my son quickly realizes the error of his ways and knows what he needs to do to rectify the situation.

This little game can defuse an emotional situation and allow the child a clearer perspective on their part in the disagreement by allowing them to see it from the outside. It also turns potentially negative conflict situations into a positive learning opportunity and invites a happier spirit into the home. :-)

Love Coupons

Do you need a fun, free, last-minute Valentines Day gift for your kids? Make love coupons!! I made these for my kids for Christmas, and they were one of their favorite Christmas gifts. I kept mine very simple and made each child 5 coupons:

- 2 Free Room Cleaning coupons

- 2 Extra Treat coupons

- 1 Free Playroom Cleaning coupon

Whenever a child was asked to clean their room or the playroom, they could choose to use one of their coupons instead! The treat coupons are for whenever they want an unscheduled treat during the day or if we're having something for dinner that they just can't bring themselves to eat, then the coupon allows them to still get a dessert.

Here are a few extra tips for your coupons:

- Print them up on the computer to make them look official!

- Decorate them with stickers just for fun

- Add the child's initial to each of their coupons so they don't get mixed up

- Add an expiration date to make sure they use them!

- Present them in a special envelope that has their name on it. You can even decorate it with more stickers!

- Keep the envelopes in a safe place!

- After the coupon has been redeemed, be sure to tear it up and throw it away- no two-fers!

Do you have anything special planned for your kids for Valentines Day??

Surprises

I love surprises as much as the next person, but I think that there is also something to be said for anticipation, especially for children. Anticipating something exciting just makes your whole day/week/month better!

Sometimes it's fun to surprise my son by showing up for lunch at school, but I usually tell him the day before, because I know that way he will go to bed happy. The next morning he will wake up excited for the day, because he knows Mom is coming for lunch, and that's special. That excitement will carry him through the morning as he eagerly anticipates my arrival. Isn't that so much better than the few moments of surprise when I arrive?

So next time you have something fun coming up for your child, don't save it for a surprise- let them know so they can be excited too! If you still want to have an element of surprise, then just tell them that a surprise is coming and let them wonder what it might be. :-)

Secret Kisses

As I have mentioned before, my relationship with my oldest daughter is always a concern of mine. She is the middle child, so she often gets lost in the shuffle. Add to that that her personality is completely different from mine, and you can understand how we sometimes have a difficult time connecting.

I wanted to have something that was just between her and I, something special like a secret signal or a secret handshake, so I came up with the idea of a "secret kiss." If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll share it with you. It goes like this- eskimo kiss, kiss the right cheek, kiss the left cheek, kiss on the lips, then we wiggle our fingers at each other and say, "Woogie woogie woogie!" It just takes a moment, but we do it at bedtime and before she leaves for preschool in the morning. It has become like a little security blanket and it always puts a smile on her face. If I forget she'll say, "Secret kiss!" Whenever we share our secret kiss it is that brief moment of connection when we're really engaged with one another, knowing that we are sharing something special that's just between the two of us.

My son caught us "secret kissing" one day and so he wanted something like that too- but without the kissing (boy+kissing=eww!) so we created our own "secret hug." Secret kisses and secret hugs aren't hard to do- just be creative and have fun with it!

Time Together Box

The busier my life gets and the more kids I have, the less one-on-one time I seem to have with each child. Last fall I realized that my relationship with my 4-year-old daughter was being affected by not being able to have that individual time with her. It seemed all of my attentions were going to her baby sister or her big brother when he needed help with his homework.

The solution I came up with was a special time each day, after baby sister had gone down for her nap and before big brother came home from school, that would be our time together. I had her help me decorate a shoebox that we designated our Time Together Box. Each day I put something in the box to show her what we are going to do together that day. Here are a few of the things that have gone into the box:

- dolls

- wooden spoon or cookie mix

- game piece (Candyland is a favorite)

- paintbrush

- nail polish

- princess movie

She loves to come home and open her box to see what we're going to do together.

My son got a little jealous, so I made one with him also, with the condition that we get to do it only after homework is done. It helps him to focus on getting his homework done more quickly. But if time runs out he also understands that homework time is my one-on-one time with him, and the time can't always be extended to allow for more fun stuff (baby sister gets up from her nap and dinner needs to be prepared). However, we usually get a chance to do something fun (Legos, War card game, dominoes, etc.) a few times a week.

I have found that I learn more about my kids from these 15-30 minutes I spend with them each day than I learn from the other 6-9 hours we're all together! It's something we all look forward to!

What Was Your Favorite Thing Today?

For disclosure's sake, I stole this idea from a novel, "Marcelo in the Real World."

Every night at dinner my husband or I (or whichever of the kids might remember first) will ask another family member, "(Name, Name), what do you say? What was your favorite thing today?" So if my son said, "Mommy, Mommy, what do you say? What was your favorite thing today?" I might answer, "I loved snuggling up with you and your sisters and reading stories this afternoon." I would then use the rhyme and ask another family member what their favorite thing was, and so on around the table until we have all shared.

This is not only a nice nightly family tradition, but I've found that when we have guests over it gives the kids an opportunity to open up the conversation to them. In the past the kids might have been shy around new faces at the table, but now they will smile and ask the guest what their favorite thing was for the day. After the guest shares, the children will encourage them to repeat the rhyme to someone else (which usually means that the kids have to help them remember the rhyme). Guests enjoy sharing and the kids enjoy being a part of the conversation.

Reader, Reader, what do you say? What was your favorite thing today?